A reward I was not expecting.

Romans 8:28 and Psalm 37 talk about God stepping in and working things out for us. We don't even have to lift a finger; all we need to do is trust Him.

I find it a little funny that, at the time I am writing this, I am struggling to see how God could possibly redeem my current situation and foster reconciliation between broken relationships in my life. A few minutes ago, I asked God if I would ever see redemption from this season in my life. Let me give you a little context:

I've been wrestling with anger and disappointment. I've gotten better at not acting out of anger; I don't really show it anymore. But I struggle with holding resentment and bitterness towards people. Since I won't address it, it leads to long-time grudges that could have been resolved with a conversation. Disappointment, not because people let me down, but more because I set false expectations for them and assume that because I wouldn't treat them a certain way, they would never treat me like that either. (I know, welcome to the real world, kid.)

Romans 8:28 says,

"And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."

Psalms 37 says phrases like:

"He will give you the desires of your heart."

"He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun."

"Those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land."

"The meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity."

"The Lord upholds the righteous."

"Their inheritance will endure forever."

"The Lord upholds him with His hand."

We see God promising those who love Him and seek Him that He will reward them and work everything out in their favor.

When this season of constantly having to turn the other cheek began, I always reminded myself of these verses and promises from God. But honestly, after a few months of constantly being faced with plot twist after plot twist, the phrase 'turn the other cheek' made me angry too.

"Why do I have to be the one to turn the other cheek?"

"Why do I have to give grace to others that I feel don't deserve it?"

"Why do I have to be the one to choose to love? Why can't others choose to love me?"

"When will it finally be my turn to see redemption?"

First of all, God reminded me that I've been using 'I' too much.

'It's not about you or what you do or what you think you deserve. It's about what I already did,' I felt Him say.

He died for the sins of the people that have hurt you. He gave His life for every single person that has ever wronged you and will ever wrong you. We have never looked into the eyes of someone whom God did not love and was not made in His image.

This is easy to accept when we're the ones on the receiving end of it. But the more you grow in faith, the more you have to extend the same love and grace you have received. It's easy to do that when you get along with someone, but what about when God calls us to love and serve those whom we find hard to love?

I struggled with this because I can no longer claim ignorance. Because I have received God's invitation to be adopted into His family, I have to extend that invitation to every single person.

There is not a single person that Jesus did not die for.

There is not a single person that God cannot transform.

Whether they are worthy or deserving of that love and transformation is not up to us (and thank God for that).

Back to what God has been teaching me:

Yes, God will work in our favor.

Yes, God will bless us.

Yes, God knows the desires of our hearts.

But I think, because of this, the psalmist cried out,

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me."

See, I realized that the 'redemption' I'm hoping for is a reflection of my heart, and in all honesty, there are a lot of areas in which God needs to clean my heart and place a new and right spirit within me. This isn't easy to admit because it's so much easier to victimize myself as the person that was 'done wrong.' But God honors our honesty when self-reflecting.

I was a little embarrassed about admitting that my heart wasn't necessarily clean, but God already knew it. He knows me better than I will ever know myself, and it's a huge step to call out the things that don't honor or reflect His character.

Purification and repentance aren't a one-time thing; it's a daily thing because, real talk, we wouldn't be able to go an hour without unconsciously sinning.

Then it hit me. Yes, the ultimate reward is heaven. Nothing will ever be better than an eternity with the Savior. But what if my 'redemption' and 'reward' is simply becoming a little more like Jesus?

See, I don't know about you, but from a very young age, I knew I was called to serve Him. A few years ago, I accepted that calling and vowed to devote my life to the expansion of His kingdom. But with ministry and living out your purpose comes a lot of tears (I mean, I already know this, and I'm only 18). I know that serving others isn't sunshine and rainbows. It's not the romanticized version of ministry we like to portray (ministry and serving is so beautiful; it's one of the biggest blessings in life, please don't get me wrong), but it's not always going to be flowers and unicorns.

What if, rather than me getting that 'redemption' my flesh desires, it's actually not the redemption I receive? What if all these uncomfortable experiences are what mold me and prepare me to be who God called me to be? What if it's a redemption that glorifies God and points others to Him? Isn't that what really matters?

Prayer:

"Lord, thank you for the gift of salvation that you blessed us with. Thank you for the promises that you established long before we were born and for the way that they are still carried out today. I will never have the right words to express the gratitude I have for saving me. I could never earn your salvation or love, but you chose to save me despite the perception that others have about me and even the way that I see myself. Nothing has ever changed your mind about us. I ask that you will create a clean heart in me and renew a righteous spirit within me. I thank you for the prayers you did not answer and for the things I desired that you did not grant me. I don't say this enough, but thank you for saving me from what I had no idea I needed to be saved from. I pray that everything I do will glorify you and will be used to expand your kingdom more and more. In Jesus' name, Amen."