TESTIMONY || Return to the Open Arms

"Return to the open arms". Testimony by Kate Hagen

Dear questioner, wanderer, seeker of God,

Today, I am writing this letter to remind us of the mercy, long-suffering, and patience of God. You see, I have needed God’s wide-open arms of forgiveness and acceptance over and over in my life. I imagine some of you can relate as well.

The first time I chose to turn my back on God was in 8th grade. I had new friends and got my first boyfriend. They were much more interesting and accepting than my “good” friends. Although I was always nervous I was going to get in trouble (from my Christian parents), it was fun at first. The banned music, the rebellious choices, the attention. 

But then I got scared. The choices were getting more consequential (even illegal) and it felt less fun. 

So, I repented. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. I cut off all my old friendships and started over. This was ninth grade. I joined the school Bible club, and I became a youth group leader at my church. I went to Christian camps. I was IN.

But then, I met another boy.

This time I was a senior in high school. I was a spiritual leader on campus. But, this boy was cute and fun, not even claiming faith. And I fell for him. But I was riddled with guilt. I couldn’t enjoy our secret relationship. It was dirty, dishonest, and exciting.

I would purposely push down the voice of the Holy Spirit in me. I didn’t want to hear it. Even though I knew I didn’t love this boy, I wanted the secret pleasures of our relationship. 

But God didn’t let go of me. Spirit kept whispering.

Months away from the boy at college helped me see I didn’t want our relationship, so it fizzled out. But, I was still pursuing silly things while at college.

But, this other thing was happening too.

I had to take Old Testament Survey. That sounded boring. But it became my favorite class. The professor was challenging my belief that Christianity was outdated and unintelligent.

I had a question about a theological issue so I walked up to the professor after class. I don’t even remember what the question was. And it doesn’t matter. Because what stood out to me was his posture toward me (we called him Book because he was Professor Bookman).

He listened to this question from a Freshman girl, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “That’s a really great point. I’ll have to think about that.” I was floored. He didn’t have the answer?! He had a PhD in Old Testament Biblical Studies (or something impressive like that).

I was softened. And I slowly started wanting God again. And by the next school year, I was all IN again. Leading Bible studies, going on mission trips, etc.

And here is where the story gets repetitive.

What I do: I will dive deep into my spirituality. I will know and deeply love God and the Bible. I will be overwhelmed by Spirit. And then...a doubt comes in. Or, a passage of Scripture really bothers me. Or I get disappointed with Christians. Or I get impressed with other paths of spirituality.

I always thought this faith struggle would end someday. It has not yet. But here’s the thing. God has never let me go. Even despite my efforts otherwise.

I suspect it will continue to be rocky. I will have new questions and struggles. And then God will have new mercies and grace.

Of course, when my mom died, I felt God’s presence so strongly and sweetly that I thought I would never doubt it again. But, like the Israelites, I can see miracles and then forget. 

Spirit, like a whisper, that last thread of connection to Divine Love is never broken. I can’t deny it. That sweet, tender call back. Home. Always welcome. Always forgiven. Forever fresh and new. 

Nothing else compares. Nothing is as deep, true, and satisfying. It’s humbling. It’s the most beautiful.

The questions are still there. Hurt still needs healing. Doubts remain.

It's an old story that feels new each time. Especially when it's my story. And, it's my favorite story.

If you can relate to my path, I can promise you that you can’t ask a question that’s too much for God. You can’t go so far that God won’t be there with open arms accepting you back. I know this not only because Scripture tells me so but because it is my story. And it will probably be yours.

We won’t go back to the same old way, but there will be a new way that will be familiar, yet lighter.

There’s a verse that reads,  “Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief.”  Yes, and amen.

With gratitude for wide open arms,

Kate Hagen