TESTIMONY: WOUNDS AND GLORY

HILANNY CASTREJON || WOUNDS AND GLORY

Dear Reader,

Today, I am writing this letter to testify to how the Lord's hand has been over my life so powerfully over the last year. A year ago today, I had one of the rudest awakenings I had ever experienced. I feel as though this journey transitioned me from being a high school student to the start of my journey with adulthood and radical faith. If I had to summarize this past year with a quote, it would be this one: "In my deepest wound, I saw your glory, and it astonished me."

To give you a little background information, since the third grade, my life has revolved around preparing for college. It had never been a question of IF I went to college, but WHEN I went. From a very young age, my identity had been tied to my ability to get accepted to a college. My senior year (like it is for most students) was very eventful. I experienced so much joy and goodness, but that school year tested my character in many ways. An example of that is the constant struggle of unworthiness I faced for two years while leading the student body spiritually. There was a shift around February, and I didn't know it then, but I began to spiral. When the college decisions started rolling in, every rejection left me feeling more insecure as that feeling of unworthiness grew stronger. My biggest hope for the end of my senior year was that I would finish that chapter of my life victoriously. From February to April, I wore a mask, acting like nothing was wrong. "My grades are good, I have a few options for college, I got to go on an awesome trip, I loved and felt loved by my friends, family, and loved ones." I had everything I wanted, but none of it mattered because I felt unworthy of it all.

Then April came, and a season of constant rejection began. I had been rejected from my dream school, a school that I had prayed, fasted, and really believed I could gain admission to. A letter in the mail made me realize that I had not been okay for a while, and that letter took everything I had been silently struggling with even further. I masked my disappointment because "it was just a school" and that "just wasn't where God wanted me to be." But that rejection wasn’t just me hearing no for the 10th time. It was the death of hopes and a dream, the death of something I had so badly desired for such a long time.

Then a few days later, I went through a breakup for the very first time, and that was the last blow I could take before I finally broke. See, it wasn’t just a breakup or a college rejection that broke me. My identity was wavering for months; I felt unworthy of the calling that God had placed on my life. My sense of comfort was being ripped away, and it was the first time I had grieved the loss of a romantic relationship.

I remember that night, a tightness invaded my chest that remained there for months. My heart hurt so bad, my head felt like it was going to explode, and I sobbed all night long, and that lasted months. I did not get my "victorious" ending when leaving high school. Instead, I walked down those halls for the last few weeks feeling like a ghost. It was a silent burden that weighed every part of me down constantly. That constant feeling that the second I went home, closed the door, or when they looked away, I was going to fall apart again ALWAYS lingered. And that's exactly what happened. For MONTHS, I poured my heart out into journals. I knew He would redeem this; I had seen Him redeem my heartache before, but that pain had never lasted this long. I became desperate; every night I grew more and more tired, and I could not handle it anymore. One night, anger consumed me, and I remember crying out to God. I didn't understand why He hadn't stepped in, how He could see me fall apart every day and just watched. I knew He was with me; I had no doubt that I was falling apart in His arms, but why didn't He stop the pain? Couldn't He see I was dying? "Do you even care?" That was the first thought of many similar to it that filled my mind. After that, things got WORSE, my desperation only grew greater. I contemplated suicide every single night for two months. I knew if I did it, I risked eternal separation from God, but I just couldn't handle the pain any longer. Every night blurred together; sometimes I would be fine all day, but when nighttime came, these thoughts tormented me. The night before my District youth camp, I opened up my journal to a page from my Israel trip. It was from Gideon's spring, and as I read it, something hit me. I didn't have to be only in the holy land to have a holy moment. I cried out to God, and I still have that prayer written in my journal. I said: "When will MY day of salvation come? Please, I'm begging you to save me. And soon because I'm slowly going under, and this pain is too much for me to handle. Please come into my heart and heal it in a way that only you can. I'm so tired. Help me in this walk, help me with these burdens, I'm begging you to save me." What I didn’t write was that I had come to a conclusion in my mind. If God did not step in that weekend at camp, and I came home the same, I was going to give in to the thoughts that tormented me and end it. I remember crying when I realized what I had said. I hadn't written it down, but God knew my heart, and He has heard what I had said. I was done with these months of suffering, and I knew only He could touch my life in a way that would change ME.

Every single day of that camp, I received an answer for every question that I had been asking all those nights. God doesn't owe me anything; I don't deserve an explanation for why He was allowing me to face such things, but He graciously revealed them to me anyway. And if that wasn't enough, the last night of the camp changed my life. That night on the altar, I cried out to Him one last time, and He did exactly what I had begged Him to do; He came in and saved me. Here's what I wrote in my journal that night:

"Thank you for saving me. You rescued me just in time. I cried out one last time, full of desperation, with a heart that had been destroyed, a spirit that had been crushed, and a mind that was being tormented. I came to a final conclusion, cried out for salvation. I said that if I came home the same, I was throwing in the towel, and I meant it. I cried out in desperation; I knew you felt my pain better than anyone. You knew the burdens that I myself had picked up; you knew the doors that should have never opened kept me up at night. All the memories that I refused to face and pushed away were locked down in the deepest parts of my soul. I thought that if I left them there, I wouldn't have to face them anymore. You saw all the tears I shed in my room, all the nights I felt so many emotions at once that I thought I could go insane.

But then you breathed life into me, and my dry bones heard your words, and my heart began to beat again. My eyes were opened, and I could finally see you moving and at work in me.

My ears were opened, and I could hear the evidence of your presence all around me.

Then finally, You released my tongue, and your presence overflowed until I had no control over moving. My words became a language that confuses hell, and only you and I understood what was being said. You placed your hand on me, and all guilt and shame that followed me ran.

All anxiety and depression were stripped away immediately, and I could finally feel the joy of your salvation.

I called out every memory that hurt me, and you cast it away instantly. I called out every person, event, and situation that had broken me, and you comforted my weary heart.

I laid down all my anger, sadness, rejections, bitterness, resentment, and burdens that controlled me and left me feeling tired.

You took them from me with no hesitation.

But then finally, the biggest battle that I was facing, the one I was sure was meant to destroy me, you won.

You cast out every single hurtful thought that I was wrestling with, every single lie and insecurity that kept me up at night. Every thought that tormented me, and you placed victory over me. I was confident this was going to be the end of me, but instead, you gave me life. You made me new and declared that the season that was meant to destroy me was actually what released a new anointing over me. You healed me. You saved me. You renewed me. You welcomed me back with open arms."

After this rollercoaster of a year, if there's one biblical character I truly connect with, it's Hagar. Just like her, my toughest battles have brought me face to face with God's unwavering presence in my life. As she declared, 'I have now seen the One who sees me' (Genesis 16:13), I too can say that through the storms, I've found clarity in God's embrace.

As you've journeyed with me through this letter, I want to leave you with some reminders. - - - Our heavenly Father sees us not as mere accomplishments or failures but as his children. - Whenever He sends you, He's right there by your side, even in the moments of deepest despair.

So, hold onto this truth: "Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."

I pray these words bring comfort and courage as you navigate life's challenges.

With love and humility,

Hilanny Castrejon