A calling in darkness

Testimony by Cesar Ramos

Dear reader,

Today, I'm writing for the first time a story that I've preached to countless people about the man that changed the direction of my life for generations to come. His name is Jesus Christ. I pray that if even one person who doubts His existence can read my story and have their eyes open to the reality of His existence and love too.

I grew up in a household with my mother, father, and my brother, with myself being the youngest. I would say that although I didn’t grow up in the most terrible household like others, unfortunately, I did see/experience things that made my childhood a burden. I grew up with my parents never really having the most ideal marriage like most family tv shows display, I grew up seeing my parents divorced but in a marriage, if that makes sense.

I would see depression, division, and hatred run in their marriage. My mom had her own mental health problems because of her past, marriage, and current life situations that would cause her to never have a genuine smile like I desired to see as a little boy. My dad was stuck in his problem of drinking and also had anger issues like crazy. Those two things never ever go well.

Growing up, I would see my parents argue a lot… like a lot a lot. The word that was thrown around a lot was ”divorce”. I can’t count the amount of times my parents would tell me “I’m divorcing your mom” or “I’m divorcing your dad”. All while being a kid/pre-teen. My dad would verbally abuse my mom because of alcohol which over time would cause me to grow the same hatred my mom had towards him.

My brother was also suffering from low mental health too. Him being bullied at school, problems at home too, and other stuff I can’t mention caused him to suffer from depression/suicidal thoughts from an early age.

Growing up in this type of environment put me into adopting a “caretaker” mindset from a young age. I would fight for my parents not to go through with the divorce, I would fight for them to try to resolve their issues, and I would also try to fight for my brother too. I wasn’t even in middle school during all of this.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, we also grew up “Catholic”. Not because we partook in the religion, but because of culture. I am Hispanic so it'd be weird if we were not.

Anyway, I was always told by my parents that “God is real” but once I reached middle school I forsake those beliefs because I had no reason to believe in God or “a god”. I mean, with the way I grew up why would I?! I became an atheist.

I lived in that mindset all the way until one day in late May of my freshman year of high school. I got into a pretty heated argument with my dad that ended up in my venting to a friend of mine online about it. What went from me venting turned into him preaching to me about “new age spirituality”. He sent me videos to watch and that was the start of my path into darkness.

I would watch the videos he’d sent me and more videos I'd watch and even read into different belief systems, philosophies, religions, ideologies, and more. I started to subscribe to different belief systems like the universe was God, everything is God, I am my own God, and the craziest one was that I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I’ll get more into that in a bit.

I started dabbling into practices like meditation to align the seven chakras. Root chakra, sacral chakra, solar plexus chakra, heart chakra, throat chakra, third eye chakra, and the crown chakra. I did moon/sun worship, I did astral projection, ancestral spirit contact, and more. I would’ve gotten deeper into it if I had the money but thank God I was broke.

I was doing these practices for almost 2 years of my life. During that time, I was searching for the purpose of life. I would tell myself, “There ain’t no way we’re on this earth, just to go to school for 12 years, go to college or straight to work, meet someone, have a family, and kick rocks when our time for the grave comes.” I was on this constant search the whole time. I started looking into the 7th dimension and those other beliefs that new age comes with but I still couldn’t find the truth I was seeking.

I started to grow a deep hatred for everything this world had to offer. Money, school, people, breathing, religion, and even my own family. Also, I started hearing voices in my head telling me to take my own life so I could “ascend to the next dimension”. I was growing more depressed day by day and even suicidal too. These voices would tell me that I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ too. Crazy I know.

I would talk to people about my mindset and they would brush me off which made me feel really alone. I would also talk to my closest friend, who was a Christian because he grew up in an Apostolic household. He wouldn’t be able to tell me much because he didn’t follow God, but he would tell me what his parents taught him. He would tell me that Jesus died for my sins, Jesus loves me, and that He has grace on me. I would argue back with questions like “Who wrote the Bible? Why is Jesus the truth?” And much more that he wouldn’t be able to answer because of his lack of knowledge, but he did something for me that not even 10 hours a day of knowledge can do. He prayed for me. He can see the offense the gospel would bring to me and would pray for me. Little did he and myself know what impact those prayers would have.

After almost 2 years of living in this new age, with these voices in my head, burdens in my spirit, derealization, hatred, confusion, and more, my life forever changed. This night was the night I was going to end it all. I was going to drive my moms car off a cliff. The voices in my head were the loudest they ever were, the urges to do it were strong, and the spiritual burdens were weighing so heavy on me that it became unbearable to even be able to close my eyes. I was about to get up from my bed but something inside of me told me to pray. I was hesitant because I didn’t want my friend to be right and I also had a hatred for Jesus. But this is the moment my life changed forever.

It was November 29th, 2020 at 10:29 PM that my life would forever change. I said a prayer that I thought would challenge God. I said, “Jesus, I don’t know you, I don’t know if you’re real, but if you are, show me and I'll give you my obedience.” At that moment everything fell off. I mean everything! The voices stopped, the spiritual burdens, the hatred, the derealization, the confusion, and everything else stopped after that prayer. I felt a peace like never before that made me sleep like a baby that night. Little did I know but I got touched by The Holy Ghost.

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

I was confused because I never felt that.

For a month after I said that prayer, I was on this chase to seek the truth of Christianity. Seeking answers for the questions I had, praying for guidance, and studying the apologetics, the historical side of Christianity, the existence of Jesus, and much more. I would get encountered by God in dreams too. After a month I noticed my heart had such an unexpected shift. It accepted Christ as Lord.

I got baptized on 01/30/22 alongside my close friend who preached to me too. I kept drawing closer to God, seeking His face even in the valleys, and trying to keep up my end of the bargain I made with Jesus that night. Fast forward to now, The same God that encountered me that night encountered my mom, my dad, and my brother, and they are all baptized in the only saving Name. The name of Jesus Christ (Acts 2:38). I’m seeing my Savior reach even my extended family in El Salvador and Mexico too and by faith, I know they’ll be baptized in Jesus name.

I tell people all the time, I didn’t find God in a church, through an evangelist, or even the Bible. I found Him on the day I was supposed to end it all in my bedroom alone.

I truly can say, in the midst of darkness, the Light called my name. My desire is that this can make you look at God in a different perspective. God bless.